Servant Leadership at Home and at Work

Most men learn how to lead from the bosses, coaches and fathers they watched growing up. Some of those men led well. Many led by being the loudest voice in the room. If that is the picture in your head, it's no surprise that you feel pulled between being "the man in charge" and being a good husband, dad and coworker.

Jesus gave us a different picture, and it is stronger than the one most of us inherited. Biblical servant leadership isn't a soft idea. It's the way the most powerful person who ever lived chose to lead.

What Jesus showed about leading by serving

In Mark 10, James and John asked Jesus for the top seats in His kingdom. The other ten disciples got angry, probably because they wanted the same seats. Jesus called them together and told them that the rulers of the world love to throw their weight around, but it must not be that way with them (Mark 10:42 to 44). Then He said this:

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Mark 10:45, ESV)

Notice who is talking. This is the Son of Man, the One with all authority. He didn't serve because He lacked power. He served because He had it and knew what it was for.

John 13 makes the same point with a towel and a basin. John tells us Jesus knew the Father had put all things into His hands (John 13:3). Then He got up from supper and washed His disciples' dirty feet. That was the job of the lowest servant in the house. When He finished, He said, "I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you" (John 13:15, ESV).

Jesus as a leader didn't ask anyone to do what He would not do. He went first, and He went low.

Servant leadership is not weakness

Let's clear up a common mistake. Some men hear "servant" and picture a guy who never says no, never sets a standard and avoids every hard conversation. Picture a man who lets his teenager run the house, tells himself he is being gentle, and then wonders why nobody respects the rules. That's not servant leadership. That's hiding.

Jesus was kind to the broken and firm with the proud. He cleared the temple. He told hard truths to people He loved. He made decisions, gave direction and walked toward the cross on purpose. Serving didn't make Him passive. It made Him clear about what people actually needed.

That's the test. A servant leader asks, "What does this person need from me?" not "What will make me look good?" or "What will keep the peace today?" Sometimes the answer is a meal and a listening ear. Sometimes it is a correction, a boundary or an honest conversation.

Paul gives us the heart behind it: "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3, ESV). Humility isn't thinking you are worthless. It's being secure enough that you don't have to win every moment.

Serving your family first

Home is where your leadership is tested most, because nobody there is fooled. Your wife and kids know exactly who you are when you are tired.

Paul writes, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25, ESV). Christ's leadership of the church was costly. If you want to know what leading at home looks like, look at what He gave up for His people, and then ask what you can give up for yours.

Here are some practical ways to start:

• Ask before you assume. Try asking your wife, "What is one thing I could take off your plate this week?" Then do it, without making a speech about it.
• Listen without fixing. When she tells you about her day, resist the urge to solve it. Ask a second question instead.
• Carry the unseen load. Notice the dishes, the school forms, the bedtime routine. Take one of them on as yours.
• Be first to apologize. When you lose your temper with a child, go back and say, "I was wrong, and I am sorry." Kids learn what humility looks like from watching their dad.
• Pray for each person by name. Do it out loud when you can, at least once a week.

If you want help with the line between leading and controlling, our article on how to lead your wife without controlling her goes deeper. And if you're dealing with anger that scares you, or any kind of abuse, please talk to your pastor and a licensed professional right away. If you or someone in your home is in crisis in the United States, call or text 988. Serving your family sometimes means getting help for yourself.

You can also find solid, family centered resources from Focus on the Family, which has a long record of teaching on marriage and parenting.

Serving the people you work with

Your work is not separate from your faith. Paul told believers, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men" (Colossians 3:23, ESV). That includes the meetings, the emails and the tasks nobody notices.

Christian leadership at work doesn't mean preaching at your coworkers. It means being the kind of man people are glad to work with. Here is what that can look like:

1. Remove obstacles. If you lead a team, ask each person, "What is slowing you down, and how can I help?" Then go fix something.
2. Take the unglamorous job. When the break room is a mess or the late shift needs cover, be the one who steps up before being asked.
3. Give credit away. When a project goes well, name the people who did the work. When it goes badly, take your share of the blame first.
4. Tell the truth with kindness. Don't gossip about the boss or a coworker. If there is a problem, talk to the person, not about the person.
5. Serve the people above you too. Doing excellent work for a hard boss is also a form of service, and it often says more than words.

Be honest with yourself about one thing. Serving at work doesn't guarantee a promotion or a raise, and you shouldn't do it to earn one. You do it because you belong to Jesus, and He is your real boss. If you want to think more about this, The Gospel Coalition publishes plenty of articles on faith and work, and Lifeway Research shares research on how believers live out their faith in daily life.

A weekly habit that builds a servant heart

Servant leadership doesn't happen by accident. Most of us drift toward being served, because that's what comes naturally. So build a rhythm that pulls you the other way.

Once a week, maybe Sunday evening, sit down for twenty minutes with a notepad and a Bible. Ask yourself four questions:

• Who did I serve this past week? Be specific, and be honest if the answer is "not many."
• Who did I fail or neglect? Write the name down, and decide whether you need to apologize.
• Who is in my care this coming week? Think of your wife, each child, a coworker or a man in your church.
• What is one act of service for home and one for work? Write them down and put them on your calendar.

Then pray over the list. Ask Jesus to give you eyes to see the need and the strength to meet it. The Pray Like A Champion guide is a free download if you want a simple way to structure that time.

Don't do this alone. A man with a few brothers who ask him, "Did you actually do it?" will grow faster than a man trying to do it by willpower. If you want training in leading well, you can Join the Kingdom Man Accelerator, which is leadership training for men.

You'll miss some weeks. You'll snap at your kids, or ignore a need at work, or grab the remote when you should have grabbed a towel. Remember that Jesus washed the feet of Peter, who would deny Him that very night. He knows who He is working with. His grace is bigger than your last bad week, and He invites you to begin again.

If you're ready to take a bigger step, Find your Launching Pad. It's a free, two day, in person event for Christian men, and seats are limited.